Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
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My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”