I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
the composer
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.