me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
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Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Finally!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
This probably isn’t good
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.