If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow