OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
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Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
So glad we cleared that up
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law