Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
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Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Encore…
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
i smell a pulitzer
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit