The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
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Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
ouch
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!