[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
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[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
When you kidnap a writer.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
What personal space?
My dog
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
*offers Batman cough drops*
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
If only.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game