I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
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*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.