Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
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i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
can I use a minion as a tampon
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered