I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush