Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?