An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
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dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I can fix him.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”