Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
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It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I am crying
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.