When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
[eulogy]
line?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
lmfao
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness