A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day