*pronounces surface like Versace*
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I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
yeah no that’s fair
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes