Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
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#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.