Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
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A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
What my back needs
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.