You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes