ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
You Might Also Like
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I created you as mosquito food.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.