[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
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Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
March 16
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.