me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
boat question
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised