My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
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Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
They got Raph!
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.