“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor