Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..