teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Hank is one in a melon.