*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
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I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
In case you needed to hear it:
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle