FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.