if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
You Might Also Like
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*