COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.