My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves