A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
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{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.