Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Got ya covered
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.