people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
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My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”