The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
hackers play passwordle
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*