I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
me when I see my crush
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.