On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
At least try to make it slightly believable
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My dad.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.