what could possibly go wrong?
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Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
road rage
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks