I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Finally, an explanation.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?