Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
You Might Also Like
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
🤣could you imagine
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.