Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
#parenting
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.