Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*seductively eats two tums*
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
#titanic
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.