My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Steam Forums
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to