[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa