I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Who needs an Air Fryer?
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.