Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
This is me 🤣🤣
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Breaking news:
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?