What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
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son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy