Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.