“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.